Real or not real. You might recognize this phrase if you have ever read or watched the Hunger Games. This is the phrase that Peeta uses with Katniss in the final book/movie when he had his brain washed and was trying to decipher the truth. He asked it a lot because everything had become so distorted. Real or not real.
Real or not real. This is a question I have been asking myself for a while. Now, I am not saying that I have been brain washed, but I am asking this question about God, about all I have ever been told about him and even about my own personal experiences I have had with him. I am trying to decipher the truth about him for myself, not because of something someone told me.
As you are well aware by now I have been dealing with chronic pain issues for the past two and a half years. And in that time I have questioned a lot of things about God. I will admit that in the beginning I was so proud of myself at how I was handling the situation and how “tight” God and I were. My faith was not wavering, I mean I may have had a few doubts and a couple of questions but I wasn’t mad at him and I didn’t blame him. I just knew that this was going to be the lesson of a lifetime and I was going to come out the other side a champ!
But, as the months drug into a year and a year drug into two years my faith began to wain. My heart lost faith and hope. My heart began to blame God even though my head knew it wasn’t his fault. Then I got mad at him, even though outwardly I said I didn’t but on the inside I was boiling. I mean, everything I had ever been taught about him felt like a lie. Real or not real.
As the months have gone on I honestly got more mad at myself than at God and I pushed myself away. Why would I do this when he is someone I need during this time? Because I was ashamed at my unwavering faith. I was ashamed at my thoughts and the way I was thinking and processing things. I was ashamed that I was loosing hope.
I mentioned in my last post that I am a perfectionist but this doesn’t just include with people but God as well. And since I wasn’t being the good perfect “christian” girl that I knew to be I pulled away. I began to compare myself, to the max, to the success of other christian people that had walked through hard stuff; like a bad ass warrior. But, when I looked back somewhere along the way I had dropped my shield because I grew discouraged and tired of fighting. So, I felt I didn’t measure up with those success stories and I didn’t want to disappoint God. So, I shut him out because to me that was easier than disappointment.
Have you caught onto my problem yet? The thing I have been forgetting this whole time? If not, don’t worry I will share later on.
I have always said that I never want to be the “fair weather” christian. That I don’t want to be the one that only follows God when times are good and then say he’s a jerk when times are bad and walk away. So, when I felt myself going that way I got mad. And because I am a very determined person I have pushed myself to not walk away.
I have known the whole time that none of this has to do with what God has done. Because he didn’t cause my pain or my life to fall apart and he definitely hasn’t walked away from me. But, I definitely keep pushing myself away from him. I’ve known all along that the problem was me and not him. But there is a difference between knowing something and acting on something.
Because I’ve known this I have been trying to work on me, my heart and my attitude. I’ve been working on figuring out what is real or not real. I’ve been trying to fix the problem. I am no where near close “perfection” it is a hard process, unlearning things and figuring out what’s truth. And my relationship with God is not even close to what it was before all this happened. But, that’s okay and we are making real steps to come to a real relationship that he and I have worked on, not a relationship that I have made because someone told me what I should do or think.
It’s so messy, but so real. But isn’t that what any relationship should look like? Especially your relationship with God.
Now, back to my problem. Did you guess what it was? Well, it’s that I have been trying to do all of this alone. And I am not talking about not with people, even though that is mostly true. I am talking about I haven’t been doing this with God, like at all. You see I also have this issue that I have to have to solution and all of the problems fixed before I come to the person to let them know that I had an issue in the first place. But this leads to a very lonely and tiring road because I am constantly trying to fight a battle that someone else has already won, instead of walking with them through the process.
Now, I am not saying that if I would have come to this realization sooner that I would have been healed sooner. What I am saying that it would have made walking through this process a lot less lonely. Because pulling myself away from help doesn’t do a darn thing for me except make the whole of a hell lot harder to get out of. I can’t expect to find the right door to walk through if I turn the hall light off, causing me to stumble in the dark. Holy Spirit is called the helpmate for a reason. But my darn independence streak, that can be such an amazing quality, can also get me into a lot of trouble.
I will probably right a book about all of this one day, I mean I kind of already wrote a small novel on it just now. But for now here is a small insight into my spiritual journey through all this. I hope it is helpful to someone, to know that maybe you aren’t alone in thinking you’ve failed and that comparing yourself to other people’s journeys is far from helpful because your journey is your own and only you can walk through it. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t pretend to, but I know I am on my way to figuring out my own story.