Okay. Now that you know about my health issues here come the thoughts that I have on a constant about all of it.
Recently I was given the prognosis that my healing would not be a quick fix, but that in fact it would probably take years for me to get better and even then I wouldn’t be 100%. The good news was, yes, that after a few years I would be function-able, but it’s still hard to hear that I will never be the same.
I have known for a while now that my healing would not be a quick fix but I’ve been in denial about it for months.
I have spent over two years trying to figure out how to get better and what exactly is wrong with me, with no luck. But I have refused to give up on the hope that I might get better quickly.
I mean I’m only 26 years old. This should not be how I live my life, feeling like an old woman who can’t take care of herself and function properly on a day-to-day basis because of pain and unexplained dizziness.
But, since moving back to Texas my thoughts lately have been; when do you finally “throw in the towel”, say enough is enough and figure out how to, I guess, reshape your life to a new normal?
I have tried to fight so hard to not have to be a person that has to revolve her life around chronic pain. I knew for a season I would have to change things around, until I got better. But now, now it feels like I’m finally having to say “this is my life” and having to adjust my course to a life with chronic pain.
Insert very long pause here with a heavy sigh….
I have purposefully ignored thinking about the possible reality of this outcome because I didn’t want it to be real. I didn’t want it to be my reality. But it seems the inevitable has finally happened and I’m having a hard time facing this new path I’m on.
A year and a half ago, when all of this was still new and my hope was still high, I had this amazing epiphany about “the process” and it had to do with roads and road blocks and how each process you go through takes you to different destinations but isn’t the end all in life (I will this whole thought process in another post). And I thought it was the most brilliant thing I’d ever come up with. But now, now it’s a hard reality to swallow when the road your going down looks real bad and doesn’t look like it’s headed in a good direction.
The truth is, my hope has lessened and I’ve not wanted to listen to my own words and thoughts. In doing so I’ve been trying to change courses and move on for so long that it’s quiet possible I’ve gotten myself lost in the process. Making moving on hard to do.
I guess it’s time to get my map back out and figure out where I’m headed and try to figure out how to make the most of this road until I am able to get on a new one.
Moving on is never easy and it will probably never look like the way we want it to. But usually the destination is worth it. Even though getting there may suck, a lot…
God bless you in your process.