So, I had originally planned to write a post at least once a week, but I wasn’t able to the past two weeks. Truth is I have been in a lot of pain, more so then the every day pain, and it kept me from even doing daily functions like getting out of bed a joining the rest of the living world.
You know what I hate most about pain? I hate that it steals moments of your life away. Instead of getting to enjoy something that you love, you end up focusing on the pain that is there.
Sure, there are ways to cope or even work through the pain but it’s still there. It nags and haunts you as you do try to do everyday life. And I’m not just talking about chronic physical pain; I’m talking mental and emotional pain too.
Pain can trap us and make us feel helpless, vulnerable and incapable. These are just my real honest thoughts.
But in the last two and a half years that I have been dealing with my chronic pain I have watched as moments have passed me by. Moments with friends and family. Moments of just enjoying the things I once loved to do. Moments of just enjoying life as it is. I can’t do that as much anymore because my uninvited guest, pain, is always hanging around.
I’ve had to readjust my world to a life of pain. And because I’ve had to deal with the physical pain for so long it wasn’t long before the mental and emotional pain followed. It’s not easy dealing with all three at once. It can make it feel like a vacuum sucking you away from what once was.
Pain is a thief. And I hate it. And trust me I have spent a lot of time working through it, trying to get better, not focusing on it, trying to not be on meds and tell myself it’s all in my head and all sorts of other things. But at the end of the day it’s still there. Haunting me.
I can’t stand that I am not the person I once was. That I spend most of my time lying in a bed wishing I was able to do more. I miss my life. I miss living on my own, going and hanging with friends, having a job that brought me joy because I was being productive and getting to just enjoy the every day of things.
Now, I live each day being conscientious on if something I will do will cause me pain or not. Then, there are also those moments where I choose to do something even though I know it will, because I am tired of missing out on life. And yet, there are even others that I can’t participate in at all because I am in severe pain as it is and it will just make matters ten times worse.
I don’t plan to always talk about my pain and health. But it has been on my mind a lot the past two weeks since it has been more severe then normal. It’s a reality I have to face on a constant. And it is so hard to stay in a positive mindset when it feels like you have no options and don’t seem to be getting any better.
Believe me when I say I hate the lifestyle I have had to accommodate to and I hate the person I have now become. I miss the old me. Not just physically but also mentally and emotionally. I don’t remember how to be her anymore because I’ve had to focus on how to work around the pain (all areas). And I feel stuck, most days, to figure out a way around it and back to myself.
To add to it all, last week I had to officially resign from my job back in Tampa because of the prognosis I was given. I was holding onto hope that I would get better soon and be able to go back to my life once again. Because of this situation, as my body has been fighting off the physical pain I’ve been experiencing, my mind has had to work through the mental emotional pain of loss.
I’ve spent the past week trying to figure out what’s next, how do I move on and will things ever be different from how they are now? I don’t know how to answer them because all I can think about is the damn pain…
I know I am not supposed to focus on the thing that I don’t want but it’s hard not to when you constantly experience it and it feels like it’s taunting you. Again, I am just being real. I wish I had answers, I wish I had solutions and dear God do I wish I could get back to “real” life.
I want to believe that this won’t be a forever thing, but when it still is happening after two and a half years and then you get added bonuses like all over body hives, for no apparent reason, it is hard to believe that things will be different. I just have to keep praying and keep my hope, some how.
I promise to make my next post more light hearted. But this was fresh on my mind as I am still not fully feeling like I can even semi-function and thought I’d share some honest thoughts and feelings.
I just want people to know that it’s okay if things aren’t always rainbows and butterflies. That life is real and life can sometimes suck. My life has not had very many sun-shinning moments the past two years. So, posts I’ve made or conversations I’ve had have not been what they used to be, but I am not going to fake how I feel or what I am experiencing. I’m going to be real and honest. And I hope that brings encouragement to someone.
I’m not going to give up until I see things change and I will keep being honest about the tough moments. And that is just how I am going to keep moving forward at the moment. Because that is all I know what to do, for now.
I hope you all are well and have a wonderful week! Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts.