Revelation Smack Down

Have you ever had a memory that becomes a revelation that smacks you right in the face, because even though you’ve been looking for it for a while, it then hits you unexpectedly?

Well, I had that moment recently. Mine came with a little help from Lisa Bevere’s book Without Rival. She was talking about relationships and how they often will disappoint you, despite the fact that we often put so much stock in them.

“We can trust God with our safety and believe that he will bring forth the promise on our lives even when those closest – even our own husbands – let us down.”

When I read that I had my “Aha!” moment.

You see, about 2 years ago I was standing in worship, at church, when I heard God say to me, “would you still worship me like this if it was just the two of us?”

My instant reaction was, “of course!” And I pictured myself in that same room; hands outstretched praising him but it was just him and I in the room. No musicians, no other people, nothing. But that’s what I thought he meant by worshipping alone.

Little did I know that’s not what he meant at all.

That question was asked of me right before my car accident. So, I was still dealing with chronic pain but not to the extent that I have been. At that time I was still in a position of more positivity, joy, hope and faith.

Flash forward a few months later and I am lying in a bed unable to participate in life because of the injuries I sustained and the problems it was causing me to live life normally from day to day. I was unable to attend church any more and I slowly watched my hope and faith dwindle away.

It was then when I heard that same question asked of me. And I laid there thinking that I didn’t know how to worship him in the same way, lying in a bed. My hope was gone. My joy was gone. Everything I ever believed about healing seemed shot to hell. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to worship him, like I was accustomed to.

After a time comparison started to creep in… I knew of other people that were in worse shape then me and they could worship with such reckless abandon, I was ashamed that I could not do the same. So, I just pushed myself further from even trying to find the answer of how to worship where I was at because I compared myself to others and thinking I would never measure up.

That was the winter of 2016.

I have thought of that same question again and again over the last year and a half but never dwelt on it much because I was still in comparison mode and walking in a lot of shame. Which was holding me back from truth and reality.

One thing that I have learned a lot in the last year was that my faith was mostly based on what other people told me and what I experienced at the time. And even though I’ve held onto some core values and a few key things there wasn’t much of my faith that was just me and God. Things we had battled out together, that we discovered together seemed lost and muddled in what was everyone else’s, not mine. And so when push came to shove I had nothing real to hold onto because it was always someone else’s idea of God.

So, I’ve realized that I depend on people to give me direction or even, at times, tell me what to do and think. Since, I have realized that this is what I have been doing all along and know that it isn’t right. Still, there has still been this thing inside me that has thought that maybe if I find a significant other he will help steer me or teach me how to get back to a good relationship with God. I know, silly but it’s the truth.

But then I read that passage which was followed up with a revelation smack in the face. This whole time, THIS WHOLE TIME, I have been having other people tell me what to think and feel about God but not fully doing those things for myself, always seeking someone else to tell me what to do about him. I keep putting myself in this nasty cycle. Afraid that if I think and feel for myself that I will be wrong. And God was asking me if I could just stand in worship with just him, no one else, no other voices, no other distractions just him and I, one-on-one in each other’s presence.

I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t. It took me two years to fully grasp what he was asking. He wanted just me and my heart. Not a bunch of other people in the mix. But I kept throwing them and their answers in there because I thought that was the right thing to do. All along he just wanted me.

How simple and yet beautiful is that. To worship him alone, is to worship him alone.

I’m not saying outside influences are all bad, but I am saying when it comes down to it there are only two people in the relationship that truly matter. Always seek advice. But always know when it’s time to be with just the one.

Danny Silk talks about the circles of influence and that at the core circle it should just be you and God. Well, I have been putting everyone else in that circle with God, that I think has all the right answers. Oh goodness… What have I been doing?!

There has been this weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders ever since I realized I’ve been depending on others to think and make decisions for me and inserting them into my relationship. And even though I knew I could before, I finally feel like I actually can make my own decisions and have my own relationship. I know that moving forward it is him and I figuring things out and discovering how to be in relationship, just the two of us.

And now, when someone else gives advice, I hear a sermon or read a book I don’t have to take everything at face value. I can sit back a moment and ask God what he thinks and figure out what that looks like with our relationship. Everyone is getting back into their proper places when it comes to influencing me.

I am far from figuring everything out and I will never pretend to know the answers. All I know is that this is where I need to be in my life. I feel like I am rediscovering a lost relationship after a really bad break up. But I am excited for the journey.

Real Or Not Real

Real or not real. You might recognize this phrase if you have ever read or watched the Hunger Games. This is the phrase that Peeta uses with Katniss in the final book/movie when he had his brain washed and was trying to decipher the truth. He asked it a lot because everything had become so distorted. Real or not real.

Real or not real. This is a question I have been asking myself for a while. Now, I am not saying that I have been brain washed, but I am asking this question about God, about all I have ever been told about him and even about my own personal experiences I have had with him. I am trying to decipher the truth about him for myself, not because of something someone told me.

As you are well aware by now I have been dealing with chronic pain issues for the past two and a half years. And in that time I have questioned a lot of things about God. I will admit that in the beginning I was so proud of myself at how I was handling the situation and how “tight” God and I were. My faith was not wavering, I  mean I may have had a few doubts and a couple of questions but I wasn’t mad at him and I didn’t blame him. I just knew that this was going to be the lesson of a lifetime and I was going to come out the other side a champ!

But, as the months drug into a year and a year drug into two years my faith began to wain. My heart lost faith and hope. My heart began to blame God even though my head knew it wasn’t his fault. Then I got mad at him, even though outwardly I said I didn’t but on the inside I was boiling. I mean, everything I had ever been taught about him felt like a lie. Real or not real.

As the months have gone on I honestly got more mad at myself than at God and I pushed myself away. Why would I do this when he is someone I need during this time? Because I was ashamed at my unwavering faith. I was ashamed at my thoughts and the way I was thinking and processing things. I was ashamed that I was loosing hope.

I mentioned in my last post that I am a perfectionist but this doesn’t just include with people but God as well. And since I wasn’t being the good perfect “christian” girl that I knew to be I pulled away. I began to compare myself, to the max, to the success of other christian people that had walked through hard stuff; like a bad ass warrior. But, when I looked back somewhere along the way I had dropped my shield because I grew discouraged and tired of fighting. So, I felt I didn’t measure up with those success stories and I didn’t want to disappoint God. So, I shut him out because to me that was easier than disappointment.

Have you caught onto my problem yet? The thing I have been forgetting this whole time? If not, don’t worry I will share later on.

I have always said that I never want to be the “fair weather” christian. That I don’t want to be the one that only follows God when times are good and then say he’s a jerk when times are bad and walk away. So, when I felt myself going that way I got mad. And because I am a very determined person I have pushed myself to not walk away.

I have known the whole time that none of this has to do with what God has done. Because he didn’t cause my pain or my life to fall apart and he definitely hasn’t walked away from me. But, I definitely keep pushing myself away from him. I’ve known all along that the problem was me and not him. But there is a difference between knowing something and acting on something.

Because I’ve known this I have been trying to work on me, my heart and my attitude. I’ve been working on figuring out what is real or not real. I’ve been trying to fix the problem. I am no where near close “perfection” it is a hard process, unlearning things and figuring out what’s truth. And my relationship with God is not even close to what it was before all this happened. But, that’s okay and we are making real steps to come to a real relationship that he and I have worked on, not a relationship that I have made because someone told me what I should do or think.

It’s so messy, but so real. But isn’t that what any relationship should look like? Especially your relationship with God.

Now, back to my problem. Did you guess what it was? Well, it’s that I have been trying to do all of this alone. And I am not talking about not with people, even though that is mostly true. I am talking about I haven’t been doing this with God, like at all. You see I also have this issue that I have to have to solution and all of the problems fixed before I come to the person to let them know that I had an issue in the first place. But this leads to a very lonely and tiring road because I am constantly trying to fight a battle that someone else has already won, instead of walking with them through the process.

Now, I am not saying that if I would have come to this realization sooner that I would have been healed sooner. What I am saying that it would have made walking through this process a lot less lonely. Because pulling myself away from help doesn’t do a darn thing for me except make the whole of a hell lot harder to get out of. I can’t expect to find the right door to walk through if I turn the hall light off, causing me to stumble in the dark. Holy Spirit is called the helpmate for a reason. But my darn independence streak, that can be such an amazing quality, can also get me into a lot of trouble.

I will probably right a book about all of this one day, I mean I kind of already wrote a small novel on it just now. But for now here is a small insight into my spiritual journey through all this. I hope it is helpful to someone, to know that maybe you aren’t alone in thinking you’ve failed and that comparing yourself to other people’s journeys is far from helpful because your journey is your own and only you can walk through it. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t pretend to, but I know I am on my way to figuring out my own story.

Love,

Alisa

27

Today I am a year older. Today I am twenty-seven years old. In all honesty I am having a harder time swallowing this number than when I turned twenty-five. Everyone else told me they had a hard time with turning a quarter of a century, but it didn’t even phase me. I think I am struggling with this year is because I have officially hit the late twenty’s, and am only 3 years away from 30.

I always get very contemplative around my birthday. I think about the past year and even past years. I think about all I have accomplished and all I haven’t. I think about the people in my life now versus who was there in the past. I think about how I have changed and how I am still the same. I think… a lot.

This past year was one of the hardest years of my life. It was filled with a lot of heartache, disappointment, loss and just hard stuff. I have learned a lot but definitely not things I ever thought I would have to learn nor in the way I thought I would. Needless to say this was not at all what I planned for my mid twenties.

I have been thinking over the past few weeks about how different my life looks at twenty-seven than I ever imagined it to be. I mean over half way through twenty-six I moved back in with my parents because of my health issues and now I am starting twenty-seven in the same boat. Moving back in with my parents or having chronic pain was never on my “to-do” or bucket list, especially at this age.

I mean five years ago I almost got married and figured, that even though that relationship ended, that I would have found someone else and be married by now. Or maybe I would be living overseas somewhere doing some sort of missions work or just exploring and taking pictures. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine moving back home and having to depend on my parents because I physically can’t take care of myself like I once could.

It always is funny to me how we picture our life and what we think it will be, at a younger age, and then when we get to that imagined age, most of the time, it is completely different then what we imagined. I’m pretty sure it almost never is they way we pictured it.

For instance, I remember when I was around twenty, I though that by the time my baby brother graduated, which I would have been twenty-four, that I would come to his graduation and that I would be married and maybe even have a child by that point. Well, that was not the case when his graduation hit and I’m no closer to that “plan” now than I was three years ago.

I don’t regret that during my twenties that I haven’t gotten married and had kids. I have enjoyed the majority of the last 7 years. I have traveled the nations, had the opportunity to live on my own (with roommates), go to ministry school, made incredible friendships and just experienced life. I have had to opportunity to figure out who Alisa Marie Paul is over the past several years. And that, is something I will always treasure and never wish something different for myself, besides the chronic pain saga.

Which brings me to my next contemplative though of turning another year older. Even though the past couple of years have been difficult I am grateful for the hardship in the matter that I have gotten to really figure out who I am and who I am not.

The majority of my life I have spent my time trying to be someone that everyone else wanted me to be. I have that nasty perfection mentality that if I don’t do everything and say everything just right that everyone will hate me and not want to be my friend or love me. So, even though I got to discover who I am on my own without my parents, I also spent a lot of time trying to be the person others wanted me to be, depending on what circle I was in.

But, the past two in a half years I have gotten to figure out who I am without people. Because I spent most of my time at home, alone, I began to discover who I am without people. And I have let down a lot of walls of perfection. I have stopped caring, as much, about what people think of me. I share my honest thoughts more openly because I really don’t care I just want to be honest with people. Of course I still try to do it in kindness but I want to always remain honest with people and if they don’t like the truth or me then that’s okay and I am not going to die if not everyone loves me. I need to remain true to myself.

And I am really grateful that I have stopped trying to be other people or how other people want me to be. Because, even though I am still on the journey of discovering the honest me I know that I am working on being true to myself and not some idea of me that someone else came up with. The freedom of just being myself is exciting and brings so much more peace to my life.

So, here is to twenty-seven. To finding healing for my body. For continuing the journey of the real honest me. To experiencing new adventures that I didn’t imagine for myself. To just enjoying the ride, even if it is a little daunting at the moment. To another year of mistakes and learning. To just living life as best I can, in each moment.

Thanks for sharing a moment of your day with me.

Love,

Alisa

The Random Things I think (part 1)

I promised a lite-hearted post, so here is my lite-hearted post.

I am going to do a series of sorts, sharing my random thoughts. I want to make it a series because I’m constantly changing what it that randomly comes into my mind. As an normal person does ;). I really just want this to be something more fun. A different glimpse into my thoughts and maybe how crazy or silly I am, at times.

So, in all honesty some of these I have probably spent way too much time thinking about some of these. But again, just a glimpse into my interesting mind. So, lets beginning with part one.

  1. So, have you ever been watching a movie or tv show and the person has something in their hand, like a stack of books or something, then all of the sudden they have to go out of the room, for some reason, leaving the stack of books or whatever behind. And I always wonder if the person goes back and picks up those things or does someone steal them? What happens to the inanimate objects that get forgotten all of the sudden? I know, something that I have spent way too much time thinking about. Because obviously it isn’t real life and it’s just a scene and no one cares about the books. But I have spent a lot of time thinking about it.
  2. Okay, this one I definitely know I have spent too much time thinking about. Everyone always says that tomatoes are a fruit, not a vegetable, because they have seeds. But in all reality they are the only ones; cucumbers do, bell peppers do, avocados do and I’m sure there are a couple more. But then why do tomatoes get singled out for being called a fruit even though we treat it like a vegetable. So, my thought is what if we made a separate category for the poor vegetables with seeds? (again, I’ve thought too much about all this. And it gets better.) I have even thought of what the group could be called, we could call them fruigetables and fruiggies. Yup, there you go, the inside of my brain is a wondrous place and feel free to laugh at the craziness.
  3. Okay, does anyone know of someone who cooks potatoes in the microwave? Well, my mom does but the thing that I wonder is is it really a baked potato if it is cooked in the microwave? (This thought brought to you by family dinner.)
  4. So, my family has lived in Texas for several years and I’ve come back and forth from the town they live in over the years. And I will never get over their verbiage of different things. Such as calling a basket ball hoop a “basket ball goal”. Colored pencils are called map colors. “Fixin’ to” does not mean a person will fix something but rather it means going or doing something. And a bunch of other random things that don’t make sense to a person who was raised in the north 😉

5. Does anyone else ever wonder if dogs think like humans? I mean they each have different personalities so do they think or how do they think? Also, what do dogs dream about? One of our dogs was dreaming the other day and her tail was waging while she was. I’m just curious about the mind of a dog.

6. This one is a little more deep or serious. I’ve been thinking a lot about how offended a lot of people are in our country. But when I look at the big picture of it all I realize that the generation before me are the biggest offenders in being offended. Not to say there aren’t people in my generation that are that way too. But overall I feel that the older generations are overly offended and our generation is sick of it. But because that’s what we’ve been taught, even though we want equality and to just work together, when there is a subject that we are passionate about people get easily offended when someone thinks opposite of them. From my personal experience it’s because when you want to share your experience, calmly, the other person gets all huffy and wont listen to your side. So, it just causes more tension and separation. I could go on, but I’ll leave it at that.

Hope you all enjoyed a little insight to my thoughts. Again, I plan on making this a series so stay tuned for more insights into my brain.

Alisa

Pain

IMG_0146So, I had originally planned to write a post at least once a week, but I wasn’t able to the past two weeks. Truth is I have been in a lot of pain, more so then the every day pain, and it kept me from even doing daily functions like getting out of bed a joining the rest of the living world.

You know what I hate most about pain? I hate that it steals moments of your life away. Instead of getting to enjoy something that you love, you end up focusing on the pain that is there.

Sure, there are ways to cope or even work through the pain but it’s still there. It nags and haunts you as you do try to do everyday life. And I’m not just talking about chronic physical pain; I’m talking mental and emotional pain too.

Pain can trap us and make us feel helpless, vulnerable and incapable. These are just my real honest thoughts.

But in the last two and a half years that I have been dealing with my chronic pain I have watched as moments have passed me by. Moments with friends and family. Moments of just enjoying the things I once loved to do. Moments of just enjoying life as it is. I can’t do that as much anymore because my uninvited guest, pain, is always hanging around.

I’ve had to readjust my world to a life of pain. And because I’ve had to deal with the physical pain for so long it wasn’t long before the mental and emotional pain followed. It’s not easy dealing with all three at once. It can make it feel like a vacuum sucking you away from what once was.

Pain is a thief. And I hate it. And trust me I have spent a lot of time working through it, trying to get better, not focusing on it, trying to not be on meds and tell myself it’s all in my head and all sorts of other things. But at the end of the day it’s still there. Haunting me.

I can’t stand that I am not the person I once was. That I spend most of my time lying in a bed wishing I was able to do more. I miss my life. I miss living on my own, going and hanging with friends, having a job that brought me joy because I was being productive  and getting to just enjoy the every day of things.

Now, I live each day being conscientious on if something I will do will cause me pain or not. Then, there are also those moments where I choose to do something even though I know it will, because I am tired of missing out on life. And yet, there are even others that I can’t participate in at all because I am in severe pain as it is and it will just make matters ten times worse.

I don’t plan to always talk about my pain and health. But it has been on my mind a lot the past two weeks since it has been more severe then normal. It’s a reality I have to face on a constant. And it is so hard to stay in a positive mindset when it feels like you have no options and don’t seem to be getting any better.

Believe me when I say I hate the lifestyle I have had to accommodate to and I hate the person I have now become. I miss the old me. Not just physically but also mentally and emotionally. I don’t remember how to be her anymore because I’ve had to focus on how to work around the pain (all areas). And I feel stuck, most days, to figure out a way around it and back to myself.

To add to it all, last week I had to officially resign from my job back in Tampa because of the prognosis I was given. I was holding onto hope that I would get better soon and be able to go back to my life once again. Because of this situation, as my body has been fighting off the physical pain I’ve been experiencing, my mind has had to work through the mental emotional pain of loss.

I’ve spent the past week trying to figure out what’s next, how do I move on and will things ever be different from how they are now? I don’t know how to answer them because all I can think about is the damn pain…

I know I am not supposed to focus on the thing that I don’t want but it’s hard not to when you constantly experience it and it feels like it’s taunting you. Again, I am just being real. I wish I had answers, I wish I had solutions and dear God do I wish I could get back to “real” life.

I want to believe that this won’t be a forever thing, but when it still is happening after two and a half years and then you get added bonuses like all over body hives, for no apparent reason, it is hard to believe that things will be different. I just have to keep praying and keep my hope, some how.

I promise to make my next post more light hearted. But this was fresh on my mind as I am still not fully feeling like I can even semi-function and thought I’d share some honest thoughts and feelings.

I just want people to know that it’s okay if things aren’t always rainbows and butterflies. That life is real and life can sometimes suck. My life has not had very many sun-shinning moments the past two years. So, posts I’ve made or conversations I’ve had have not been what they used to be, but I am not going to fake how I feel or what I am experiencing. I’m going to be real and honest. And I hope that brings encouragement to someone.

I’m not going to give up until I see things change and I will keep being honest about the tough moments. And that is just how I am going to keep moving forward at the moment. Because that is all I know what to do, for now.

I hope you all are well and have a wonderful week! Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts.

 

Love,

Alisa

Moving On

IMG_3811Okay. Now that you know about my health issues here come the thoughts that I have on a constant about all of it.

Recently I was given the prognosis that my healing would not be a quick fix, but that in fact it would probably take years for me to get better and even then I wouldn’t be 100%. The good news was, yes, that after a few years I would be function-able, but it’s still hard to hear that I will never be the same.

I have known for a while now that my healing would not be a quick fix but I’ve been in denial about it for months.

I have spent over two years trying to figure out how to get better and what exactly is wrong with me, with no luck. But I have refused to give up on the hope that I might get better quickly.

I mean I’m only 26 years old. This should not be how I live my life, feeling like an old woman who can’t take care of herself and function properly on a day-to-day basis because of pain and unexplained dizziness.

But, since moving back to Texas my thoughts lately have been; when do you finally “throw in the towel”, say enough is enough and figure out how to, I guess, reshape your life to a new normal?

I have tried to fight so hard to not have to be a person that has to revolve her life around chronic pain. I knew for a season I would have to change things around, until I got better. But now, now it feels like I’m finally having to say “this is my life” and having to adjust my course to a life with chronic pain.

Insert very long pause here with a heavy sigh….

I have purposefully ignored thinking about the possible reality of this outcome because I didn’t want it to be real. I didn’t want it to be my reality. But it seems the inevitable has finally happened and I’m having a hard time facing this new path I’m on.

A year and a half ago, when all of this was still new and my hope was still high, I had this amazing epiphany about “the process” and it had to do with roads and road blocks and how each process you go through takes you to different destinations but isn’t the end all in life (I will this whole thought process in another post). And I thought it was the most brilliant thing I’d ever come up with. But now, now it’s a hard reality to swallow when the road your going down looks real bad and doesn’t look like it’s headed in a good direction.

The truth is, my hope has lessened and I’ve not wanted to listen to my own words and thoughts. In doing so I’ve been trying to change courses and move on for so long that it’s quiet possible I’ve gotten myself lost in the process. Making moving on hard to do.

I guess it’s time to get my map back out and figure out where I’m headed and try to figure out how to make the most of this road until I am able to get on a new one.

Moving on is never easy and it will probably never look like the way we want it to. But usually the destination is worth it. Even though getting there may suck, a lot…

God bless you in your process.

Alisa

My Un-healthy Story

So, for my first non introduction post I thought I would go public on my health journey. Or rather my declining health journey.

I have yet to tell all of social media the background story behind my now chronic pain issues. So, here goes nothing.

It all started a little over two years ago. Me, for the most part a healthy 24 year old, was getting dressed on a Saturday morning and while I was pulling my pants up (doing the “pull your pants up jig”) when all of the sudden I felt an awful pop in my back and I hit the floor in pain

I had no clue what happened. All I could think was how in the heck does a 24 year old seemingly throw her back out? Isn’t that what happens to 60 year old women? How on earth does that happen???

Well, I went about my day but in severe pain. The pain lasted for a couple weeks so I finally did something about it. I got some massage therapy done on it and the pain, for the most part, subsided and for the next few months and I went on life as usual.

Fast forward to March for 2016. My family comes for a visit to go to Disney World/Universal. So, I drive the hour and a half to Kissimmee to go spend a couple days with them.

Well, that short drive there sent my back into pain again. But I ignored it, wanting to enjoy the fun of the visit.

We then ended up going to Universal and my brother and I went on a couple of roller coasters, because roller coasters are the best! Little did I know that was going to cause more back pain.

By the time I got back to Tampa, a couple of days later, my back was in excruciating pain. To the point I could barley move or get off the couch. So, I finally gave in and went to the doctor.

After x-rays and an MRI and what felt like a million doctors visits later I found out that I had had a previous fracture in my mid back (thoracic spine) that had healed funky, as well as degenerative discs.

So, for the next several months I spent going to a ton of different doctors including physical therapy, pain management, ortho specialists, spine specialist, rheumatologist and the list goes on. I did all of this but was not seeing any improvement in my pain. I was going day to day living in pain but not living life as I once had.

In fact, when all of this first happened I was supposed to go on a missions trip to Scotland but was unable to attend because of my pain and not knowing what was happening. And that is just one instance where I was held back from living life as usual. This issue was running and ruining my life on a daily basis.

So, then comes November 1st, 2016. It’s seven in the morning and I am on my way to go see my second pain management specialist. I’m in stop and go traffic, when we start to pick up and all of the sudden people begin to slam on their breaks. The person in front of me swerves to the side of the road making it so I don’t hit into the back of their car, to which I am forever grateful for. In that split second that I’m deciding if I should do the same, it’s too late, and the person behind me slams into the back of me.

I instantly have pain in the back of my head and all my thoughts begin going a million miles an hour.

I don’t go to the ER right away because I “just” have head pain and what obviously feels like whip lash. But I schedule an appointment to see a doctor to get assessed since I already have issues and didn’t know if the accident had caused further damage.

The next week and a half are hell. I am in a excruciating pain and am getting a million tests done. After a couple days I have dizziness that gets so bad I am spinning while lying in bed. So, that’s when I finally go to the ER.

The doctor that orders all my MRI’s and x-rays informs me that basically the accident just added insult to injury. I now have new issues to my back with added issues to my neck. And the ER doctor informs me I had a mild traumatic brain injury.

All this to say began an even longer journey of figuring out what the heck to do about fixing myself so I can go back to living life normally.

Over the past year plus I have spent my time going to doctor after doctor; receiving physical therapy, vestibular therapy, test after test, several non-invasive procedures, not being heard by doctors, being on all kinds of different medications to help the pain and spending many hours in tears grieving the life I once had. But needless to say my life has forever been altered.

That is the shorter version of my story. There is so much more that has gone on in between. But this has become a long post and I don’t want to drag it out. There honestly is so much more I could say and go into.

I wanted to share though because the reason I am doing this blog is because of these circumstances that have shaped my current life. I want this to be an outlet to process some of the things I’ve gone through. To share some of my thoughts and the things I’ve learned through this. And to share the hard stuff and be real and vulnerable at this not so pretty process.

Like I said in my last post I want this to be a place that maybe someone else can know they aren’t alone in the struggle, no matter if your dealing with chronic pain or just a real life pain.

I want everyone to know that no matter the struggle or pain they are going through it’s real and deserves to be acknowledged. And everyone needs to know they aren’t alone.

Hope you guys will still stick with me after this long post. Thanks for reading! Have a great day!

Alisa

(If any one has questions about my journey please don’t hesitate to comment or contact me. )

Why I blog

Hey there!

Some of you may know me and others may not. My name is Alisa Paul, I currently am 26 years old and living in Texas. This is not my first blog, but because of certain circumstances in my life I have decided to try a new one.

I have had this site for a couple of months now but haven’t written a post yet. I mean how do you honestly go about writing your first blog post? Do you start with an introduction page? Do you just write whatever is on you mind and heart? Do you tell a story? I have no clue how to start this thing. All I know is I want to start this and share. Some posts will be about my thoughts and feelings and others may just be about randomness. I will just see how it goes.

Honestly, usually when I go about trying to write these things I start out with one idea and then change to another because my thoughts just go all over the place. Which is part of why I haven’t started this yet. Because I can never just stay on one topic, since when I start typing, all of the thoughts just start flowing out of me. So, some of these posts may be all over the place, but usually they all will circle into the same thought pattern.

I know that I do hope that maybe some of what I say will help someone else who maybe dealing with things that I am. I know that over the past couple of years, with all the health issues I have had and some other personal things it has been hard to have hope and comfort in some areas. And I wish that I could have had more people who relate to what I am going through. So, I hope that this will be helpful to someone.

I am really bad about reading other peoples blogs, I am honestly more of a picture person, when it comes to relating. But, I usually get a lot out of writing things. So, even if no one reads this I am hoping it will at least be a good outlet for me to work through some things.

So, there are my blog thoughts. I will write another one soon, with some actual deep thoughts or maybe just a story of my life. I am excited to get this started, because I am actually hoping to write a book and am probably going to take some of my post thoughts into the books I write.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day! Until next time! 🙂

Alisa Paul